I Don’t Know If Children Made My Mom Happier

Christa Adams
3 min readJul 6, 2020

Rupi Kaur wrote in The Sun and Her Flowers,

in a dream
i saw my mother
with the love of her life
and no children
it was the happiest i’d ever seen her

- what if

It gives me chills to even just read that and when I do, I think about my own mother.

She is a single mother, having raised 4 girls by herself. I’ve seen her breakdown, work back to back hours just to put food on the table, and still manage to haul me to all my after-school activities. It was impressive, though as a typical teenager, I didn’t truly appreciate her efforts until after I left home.

But was she happy? Is she happy…now? I don’t know.

My mother fell deeply in love with someone many years ago. They’re not together, but she still thinks of him and he finds his way into her dreams from time to time. When she speaks with him on the phone, she lights up inside. She becomes a joyful child who just got a bite of her favorite candy. But he’s not here. She’s still not with him, and she never will be.

Would she be the happiest she’d ever be if she were with him right now and her 4 beloved children never existed? That’s morbid, I know. Of course I know my mother loves my sisters and I dearly, but maybe — despite what our culture tells us — there’s more to…